For over 2 years I've lived in Boston. I arrived here without a goal or a plan or really much of anything. 2 years and many books later, I'm working at Barnes & Noble and still sort of treading water, a term which could be applied to my life over the past 10 years.
I left college not knowing what the hell I wanted to do with myself. I've done a myriad of things since then: worked at a few non profits, helped organized a Holocaust museum, worked at a major corporation for a total of 2 weeks, and a whole bunch of other jobs that basically got me nowhere.
As I have drifted back and forth across the country and back and forth between life aspirations, I have felt increasingly untethered to life, to things, and to people. I watched all my friends get married and procreate as I tried yet again to restart my life. At the age of almost 32 I don't know that I've progressed much during this time.
Whereas in the past I had hopes and dreams of traveling the world, meeting someone with whom I'd have that lifelong love affair everyone else seems to find, finding my voice with the written word...now my dreams and hopes are so much more mundane.
Is it wrong to sell myself so short? Or is it just being realistic? How long do you hold onto such ephemera before you start appearing pathetic or am I already there? Do you settle for just OK or do you continue to try and discover the ultimate?
I don't know anymore if I am capable of reaching beyond just getting through it all week by week with a few pennies in my pocket, the memories of past passions fading faster and faster, and just settling for enjoying the latest book, movie or TV show.
And the funniest part? I am not even so sure when and where it all went so...mediocre.
