Ode to an Annoying Coworker

For almost two and a half years I have worked beside you in our office

And Monday thru Friday for those two and a half years I have had to look into your jowly face, your piggy eyes, your scraggly chin hairs, and your greasy ponytail.

And pretend to be happy to see you.

You never learned how to work our in office system

You never learned how to speak to a customer without offending

You didn't know what "“insubordination"” meant -– even after you were warned for that very thing

You spent every day at your computer narrating your every action, like a dimwitted

DVD commentary

You wore clothes full of holes and the same shorts everyday during the summer months

Don't you own more than one pair?

Can't you buy another?

You sang any and every word that seemed interesting to you, much to the dismay of all around you

You still don'’t know how to read our order program

And continue to give customers misinformation

You think you can never be wrong – and you are mostly wrong

You laugh at your own jokes and pat yourself on the back for such brilliance

We just want to muzzle you.

For almost two and a half years I have thought and dreamed and planned revenge

Revenge for the raging headaches, the unnecessary phone calls and apologies for your mistakes

Revenge for having to listen to you rant and rave about all the "evil people" all over the world

Revenge for not being able to laugh in your face when you told us you had been abducted by aliens

For two and a half years I have waited to say this to you:

JUST SHUT THE HELL UP!