Tough Choice: Douche or Turd Sandwich

Last night, continuing on a theme that they have been publicly supporting for a while, Matt and Trey began the newest season of South Park with an episode that says it's OK not to vote.

Well, that's being a bit simplistic. Rather, they are commenting on the people who act as though you have no choice but to vote and if you don't you are a social pariah who, quite possibly, should be shot dead by Puff Daddy. By the by, any movement entitled "Vote or Die" deserves a thorough beating and Matt and Trey are probably the best to administer said beating.

After PETA has repeatedly terrorized the South Park Elementary School for using a cow as their mascot, the school holds elections for a new mascot. Fed up with the choices offered by the administration, Kyle decides that everyone should do a write in vote for "giant douche". Of course Cartman believe he has a funnier candidate and counters with a write in vote for "turd sandwich". A battle of the inappropriate mascots ensues. Cartman and his newly-befriended Butters go door to door and offer voters butterscotch candies to vote for Turd Sandwich. Kyle and Kenny also lobby extensively.

However, once it comes time to vote Stan can't bring himself to vote for either mascot, because who really wants to choose between a turd and douche. Puff Daddy and his posse come to assassinate him, forcing him to make a decision. As he is about to cast his vote for Turd Sandwich, Kyle becomes apoplectic and tells him that of course he should vote, but he should vote for the right team, i.e., Giant Douche. Refusing to continue with this charade, he affirms his desire not to vote. The town exiles him and he is forced to move into the PETA compound.

It is here that the episode becomes distinctly South Park-ian. The show has been around for 8 seasons and there has never really been a good mocking of PETA. PETA, or "eco-terrorists" as they are referred to, are a bunch of hypocritical animal-lovers whose assertion that "animals are people too" is faulty beyond comprehension. In the South Park version of PETA's secret compound, the members are truly animal lovers--marrying them and even creating unholy, abominations-of-nature, offspring. Their wise leader is a goat who spends his day eating and surrounded by his own feces. Of course once Puffy figures out that Stan is holed up there, the great PETA massacre ensues. There is a moment of pure justice when a PETA member is shot trying to shield a dog from the bullets; he is shot dead and the dog he saw fit to give up his life for, sniffs him and urinates on his head. Like I said, justice.

In the end, Stan realizes that your choice is always going to be a turd and douche, just the players change, and you just have to suck it up. He votes...for turd sandwich. When giant douche wins by a landslide, Stan inevitably feels as though his vote didn't count. And when everyone discovers that all the PETA members were killed and they can go back to the cow mascot, Stan discovers his vote really didn't count.

There has been a lot of theorizing as to who was the douche and who was the turd sandwich. From the "debate" between the two candidates it would seem Kerry is the douche and Bush is the turd sandwich, but one of the lessons of the show is that it really doesn't matter. While there are distinct differences between the 2 candidates, neither one is someone a lot of us will feel happy and proud to vote for. Just as in 2000, and many other elections before that one, it comes down to a choice between the lesser of two evils. And if you really don't want to make that choice, you shouldn't have to. YES a lot of people fought and died so that we could all vote and make our voices heard. YES voting is an essential component of democracy. However, it is a right and it is also our right not to vote. We are given the choice to vote or not to vote--it is not an imperative from on high. If someone feels ill-informed or just can't bring themselves to vote for either candidate or even if someone just doesn't feel like voting at all, that's OK. Why force or even scare these people into voting when their vote would end up being a total crap-shoot. Our society would be better served if these people voiced their opinions by not voicing their opinions and exercising their right not to vote.

Neither I nor probably Matt and Trey believe that voting is inconsequential. It is a vital part of the public's involvement with the government and one of the ways that the average citizen can make their opinions matter. Getting out the vote and getting people more involved with politics is both admirable and laudable. But anyone who feels that not voting is equivalent to committing domestic terrorism, well they are just both a turd sandwich and a giant douche.