4:30 am

And I'm still awake.

Sigh.

It could be the five glasses of iced tea I had at dinner at 9 pm.

It could be the movie I saw tonight, "The Constant Gardener", which sticks in your conscious mind as strongly as it sticks in your subconscious one.

It could be that my youngest sister is headed back to college after a year off for personal reasons, leaving for the airport in 30 minutes.

It could be the thoughts that I will be 29 in 4 days and I haven't done anything of note with my life nor have I gotten my life to where I thought I'd want it to be by this point.

I sit here by my computer, occasionally getting up to help my sister pack, and I listen to music that puts me in a somber frame of mind: bits from the soundtracks of "The Last of the Mohicans" and "Finding Neverland"; a few songs from Sarah Maclachlan's latest album; a song or two from the Beautiful South. The advantage of having a ton of music on your harddrive is that all the music you'd want for your melancholic and introspective moods are right at your fingertips. I guess that's for better or for worse.

I wrote my sister a plane letter, encouraging her to be brave as she heads back to school. I told her how her life is really just beginning now and that she has spent this past year learning from her mistakes and gaining the strength to deal with them should they arise again. I reassured her that she is indeed a wonderful, bright, caring and beautiful woman who has the world open to her - all she has to do is realize it.

I wonder if any of that can or should be applied to my own life.
And can it when you're no longer 20?

Maybe that's why I can't sleep.