"Boy, this school really sucked the life out of these kids"

That is what my brother Fudge had to say after attending our youngest brother, Jonah's, graduation from 8th grade. Everyone in my family has graduated from this yeshiva, staring with me in 1989. 17 years my family has been in the school and as of last night we were finally released.

The graduation was a truly somber affair, no matter how many brightly colored balloons they threw into the gym. As the graduates got on the stage, they had to read a blurb about what in the Torah inspired them. They all sounded like little robots. However, my brother was smart: he paid a kid with a can of soda to write the blurb for him. Apparently what inspires my brother is laziness.

All the valedictory speeches sounded like the parents had taken down all their books and written whatever they thought sounded important and erudite. Mostly it sounded like "blah blah blah" to me. Problem was that these speeches were being read by 13 year olds who have about as much understanding of the material as their parents did, which is to say not much. It was like sitting and listening to the Stepford children.

Of course my brother was totally bored throughout the entire proceeding. He fidgeted, rolled his eyes, and slouched in his seat.

I have never been more proud.