Van Helsing or Werewolves, and Vampires, and Gypsies, OH MY!

In an effort to maintain the illusion that I go out on occasion, I joined two old tyme friends at a viewing of Van Helsing. And boy oh boy were my very first impressions wrong.

The movie sucked.

It sucked A LOT.

The writer/director, Stephen Sommers had done "The Mummy" which I really enjoyed. And NOT just because Brendan Fraser was a featured player. It was light and funny and had enough action and suspense to hold the short term attention spans of the average American. And so I thought that Van Helsing couldn't possibly be all that bad.

And I was oh so very wrong.

So what was so bad? Apart from the fact that it was the silliest monster movie I've ever seen, it took itself way too seriously. Sommers tried to get the blend of comedy and action and suspense just right, the way he had before. But perhaps this material didn't lend itself to the combination. Van Helsing's character is an amnesiac working for a secret Church organization. His soul is tortured because he is the one who has to kill the monsters and watch them revert to the humans they once were. However, the tortured soul of a man who doesn't remember his past isn't really fodder for a comedy.

The special effects were OK. Some were nifty, such as the changing of man into werewolf. But overall it was just cheesy and the FX guys seemed in love with the effects more than the story. Granted the story left much to be desired...some bs about Dracula needing Frankenstein to give life to his dead children. Yep. That's right. So maybe concentrating on the effects wasn't that bad after all.

As for the acting, overall the less said the better. I usually like Kate Beckinsale but her over-the-top accent proved to be less authentic and more Ed Wood. Plus it annoyed me how no matter what happened, she always had impeccable makeup, including a lovely burgandy lipstick. Give me a break. Hugh Jackman seemed to have been doing the best he could with the material, but no number of shirtless scenes could save him. Richard Roxburough is a campy parody of Bela Lugosi and Frank Langella, with an awesome wig that, thankfully, doesn't remind me of Gary Oldman's.

The two standouts were David Denham, of LOTR fame. Here, Faramir played Carl, a James Bond "Q" type character. Who knew he could do funny? And the guy who played Frankenstein (name escapes me and I'm too lazy to look at IMDB) was pretty good. He was the only character you actually cared for; and oddly one of the few characters who weren't treated with Sommer's leaden comic touch.

With "Troy"'s early reviews seeming only tepid at best, I fear we are in for a long cruel summer, filled with the dashed hopes of the brilliant summer movie.